For those of us who were born in the 1940’s were dumped on at an early age. I can’t say I remember all of it first hand but our parents didn’t waste words in telling us about it for years. There were also tell tale items around the home that spoke volumes.
As we grew up our parents would drop bits of information little bits at a time as you were able capable of understanding. Our parents had so much to cope with, a war, rationing and separation for medical reasons. My mom and us kids lived in a little green house across from the factory my dad worked at. Dad on the other hand was living with friends in the next village.
He had to live with them so he could keep working and support the family. My older brother had scarlet fever and was contagious so dad could not take any chances. Not a great time for them, for sure. Our home had a huge red sign on the front door which said ” under quarantine”. This sign moved with us for years, as a reminder I suppose.
When I was 5 we moved into the country and some things were so different where others just surfaced.
If there was a disease going around it seemed to find our home with no problem. I’m fairly sure our home invited them all in. Measles, mumps, chicken pox, whooping cough and even polio, which left my younger brother with a limp. Life was a challenge for our parents but they were survivors. Many friends and family were not as fortunate.
I still remember the day I followed a stray cat up the outer stairs to the attic and finding a litter. Then I went to the loft and saw a big, green tank which got my interest. Running down the stairs I asked my parents what it was. I was told it was the oxygen tank that had kept my older brother alive.
Sorry for all the rambling but the state of the country now has awakened worse times in my life. Today is just a bump in the road, after all we old folks have survived so much worse.
In over 78 years I can’t remember ever having a time this bad and there have been other bad times.
It all began on the 4th of February when I had my first nose bleed ever. It scared the hell out of me and little did I know that this was just the start of hell. When it was over I was so drained but a bit more relaxed. The following day it would repeat itself and run it’s course yet again.
All seemed to get better until the following week, then a whole night of continuous up chucking until early morning. I was so drained to say the least. I had no appetite and no strength. I was convinced this was the start of the end. It went on continuously for the next week and a few days. I lost quite a bit of weight and was weak as a kitten. Now I had vertigo to go with it. Dizzy as hell.
Now yet another nose bleed, the 3rd one this month so far. Could not understand what was happening and finally resigned to believing it was the end for me.
Now 3 weeks from the beginning I woke up feeling a bit human again. I finally felt like nibbling on food and drinking again. Had to cancel a scan and a doctor appointment the past week. Just could not walk to the car or travel anywhere.
Everything had stopped for 3 weeks, not out of the apartment, no shopping and weeks of being sick.
Our family doctor, who I no longer trusted was in Exeter. No much chance of getting there and back anyway. Emerg. was a thought but knew it would be hours of waiting and walking further that I had for weeks now.
Finally I can believe that maybe I am headed back to health. The longest trip I have ever taken. So many times in the past few weeks I had thought death was the perfect choice.
Finally the past 2 days have been much better, still weak but at least able to sleep again. No idea whatsoever it was but hope to God it never finds me again, or anyone I know.
Perhaps in the next few days we may be able to get out and see the rest of the place outside our apartment and get to the store. Sure saved on gas and food, so it was not all loss. If I can have one wish it would be that no one we know ever gets whatever it was.
Consider some of these and then reconsider your answer. Look back on all the times in your life that you had wished to be older.
When you were a child and watched older kids heading off to school, you wished you were old enough to go too. Eventually you got there and now wish you were old enough to date and stay up later at night.
Probably in a few short years you wished you were out of school and had a job. Next came a boy/girl friend. Now you were old enough to get a job and do as you please. Still not satisfied and wanted to get your own place and space.
All of a sudden reality sets in and you are now old enough to begin your own life. Not the rose garden you thought it was. Now you were the one who had to support yourself and make your own way into life experiences.
When you wanted or needed advice you often got the “you’re an adult now, you work it out”. You suddenly realize that all your choices, right or wrong, fall in your lap. All those years wishing you were older are here now and right or wrong, you have to live with them.
Your wish list changes drastically, wish you had a better job, made more money and could afford all the great things in life. Wish you could travel more, have a newer car, have a bank account to fall back on and wish you were younger and in better health.
Somewhere after retirement you realize nothing is the same. Your health is fading, strength vanishing, bank account diminishing and appetite disappearing. Health is a never ending battle. Good days are few and far between. Medication to keep you alive now takes more space in your cupboard than your dishes do.
The memories your had a few short years ago have taken a hike and you find you can’t remember if you were going somewhere or just returning. Much of the past memories have faded and folks you knew are already gone.
Now seriously, do you still wish you were older? Old age is filled with emptiness and doctors rather than trips, family and friends. You see more medical staff than you do family or friends. They have been replaced with doctors, tests and medication. It is quite a trip, not a fun one like years past.
One of my old teachers from school always said ” A sign is just a suggestion”. I never quite understood it at the time, but age and good eye sight has taught me the meaning.
A sign will not stop anyone and if not enforced it is absolutely useless. For instance the sign designated to ” handicap parking” is a joke. Well able bodied people and most time young, healthy adults will park there if it’s convenient to them. Never mind the person who has great difficulty walking, they can park where ever. Often we have seen young couples with energetic children bounce from their car and run into a store.
What’s with the designated parking near stores for people with children? When did that become a priority? Certainly not when we had families with youngsters and walked with them across long parking lots.
How many times have you seen children in grocery stores tossing tomatoes or oranges to the back of bins while mom watches and smiles? Then the child who “helps” mom by using the grocery cart as a race car, bumping into other customers.
Why have speed limits posted on roads when a majority of drivers are speeding? Why do so many people totally ignore warning signs? Do they think they were just a ” make work” project? Then when they run into trouble, expect others to come to their rescue.
Trust me I could go on and on but the day I die I will never have a complete list. Feel free to add to the list of everyday things that are totally ignored when they shouldn’t be.
I’m sure before this year is over there will many more useless, ignored signs in our lives.
I have been doing a good deal of thinking about my choice of a blog over a diary. My mom had a diary (piles of them) and I chose to do a blog. A diary is private and a blog is open to everything.
Mom faithfully wrote in her diaries every single day, even when in the hospital or on vacation. Myself on the other hand prefer to do a blog when I am in the mood. I never inherited my mom”s patience, not a speck of it.
If I have a thought or remark to make, it just flies out of my mouth. Not always the way I meant it but that’s me. Not an ounce of self control as far as my thoughts and feelings are. Not the best way to do things but unfortunately that’s me, take it or leave it.
Getting back to mom’s diaries, she had boxes filled with them. Not once in our lives did any one of the three of us ever see the inside of them. I expect that was the best thing we ever did, leave them alone, they were her life and not ours. When she died so did the diaries, they were burned without us ever knowing any of her deepest thoughts. Strange now that I think about them and still wonder what she was writing. Did she write about the times we made her angry, did she write any of her thoughts or experiences? A real mystery which will never be known.
Now I wonder if I should have done the same, rather than doing blogs. The way she did it there was never anyone taking exception to her thoughts or feelings. No one ever took exception to what she said as it was never read. With a blog, you are open to criticism from any one who bothers to read them.
Some times you hear a nice remark on your work and then next time you are likely to hear negative remarks. If you happen to make a mistake of relating something your feel or say, it will be pulled apart sentence by sentence and you will hear about it. There is no consideration of your own thoughts at all.
Since I have no proof reader to make sure all is satisfactory to everyone, I have decided that a blog may not be the right thing for me to do. When you have to check every word and phrase you write, it rather destroys any enjoyment you may have had.
Now I am left with thoughts and feelings that no one will ever have to read or know about. I will still have times when I will regret not letting someone know my thoughts but that is my problem.
The bottom line is remember, but don’t write it. No one can criticize your thoughts if never spoken aloud.
Strange how a day comes when you shake your head and tell yourself – it’s time. So many things go through your mind, why are we saving this? Why are we hanging onto this? Things you have hung onto for over 50 years, moving it from place to place every time we moved.
Items you got when you were a child, things you saved because they belonged to your parents, things you kept because “we may use this one day”. Items that came from close friends that meant the world to you at the time and now just bring back sad memories. The worse are the items you have hung onto for years with the thought that one day I might use this, and never have for too many years to remember.
The past two days we have attacked all these treasures from yesteryear and bid them farewell. We are intelligent enough to realize that your past memories and treasures have not use to the present time. Much would have been frowned on, sneered at or seen as a waste of time to others, so off they went to the big blue and black boxes. Pounds and pounds of stuff.
It’s amazing how much more room you have and how much trouble you are removing from work our kids would have to deal with in a few more years.
Now we have more room to move, the simpler things will be sorted and likely more trashed than saved. Basically we are down to trinkets, figurines and other items treasured for years but now just collecting dust bunnies.
I swear we should have weighed the “stuff” before dumping just to see how many kgs (lbs) we removed. OH HAPPY DAYS are here again.
Life has no guarantees. All a person can do is accept there is an end and now is the time to do everything you have wished for in the past and just do them.
I have done my homework and picked the brain of my doctors. All questions have been answered and now it’s up to me to make hopes a reality. The things I have wished to do but never got around to will be done in the time left. No more putting them aside or ignoring them, just do them.
Seriously I have no regrets. I wouldn’t change a thing. There were great days and some lousy ones but in the end we survived. We visited relatives, friends, had a great family and saw some fantastic places in Canada and the UK.
Now my life has changed and so will my lifestyle. No more big trips and no more exploring the country, but the memories I do have are fantastic. Any future as I had anticipated came to an end last month.
During what was supposed to be a routine check up following my recent surgery, the roof fell in. After 6 months of being cancer free, now an x-ray showed things were not right in one of my lungs. The doctor had told told us after surgery on my knee that this type of cancer could show up some where else, namely the lungs. Thanks we needed this information. Well sure enough looks like it did just that. I had 3 options, surgery, chemo or radiation. Chemo be damned, no way, surgery again, no thanks, still waiting for a normal knee again. Radiation, possible but not probable.
Life expectancy after first diagnosis with or without treatment is 5 years. Cancer will not disappear, just travel from place to place. This was not on my bucket list. I will take the 5 years and be happy. I could get killed today walking across the parking lot. Does the way of death need a map, hell it could happen any time, in any way. 5 years of hospital trips is just not a part of whatever life I have left.
It’s days like this that forces you to take out the family tree and see how long your ancestors lived. No, I not morbid just seeking information. My mom was 88, dad 74, Grama K 83, Grampa E 73, Brother R 65 and brother B was 73. Seems like the females lived longer than the males. In 5 years I will 84, well seems not so bad. I will take my chances and see what happens. The only things going into this aging body will be my choice and will not include any weird medicines. The days of being a guinea pig are over.
Nothing and no one can or will change my mind. I am so damn stubborn that death will not arrive until I say so. I say when I am totally ready I will say so, not someone else. No tears, no funeral and no damn coffin or grave marker. Just a pile of ashes I would like scattered in some body of water some where. I won’t complain about the water or the location.
Now do like me, go where you want, do what you want and live each day left being you.
Well here we go again. Another ending year with still no definite answer to the only important question in life. Why am I still here?
Seems every year at this time you look back over the year passing and life in general. A new year comes and nothing changes, other than your health and another year of misery.
The past few years have been mostly health issues except for the occasional break for a short trip. Now even those are getting shorter and further apart.
Why do I have to carry on knowing that everything will only go downhill again? Our lives have changed so drastically. Now we wake up, look at one another and say, ” so here we go again, another day of aches and pains. Why? ”
There was a time when we literally jumped out of bed full of energy and the excitement of taking a trip to see family, trips to new places and visiting with friends and family.
Now we get up and do the only things we can still do – sit in front of the computer, snack all day and hit the bed early. Our trips have pretty much turned into crunching around the grocery store and trips have turned into trips to the doctor or hospital.
Of course we can still sit, watch the tv and see how the world as we knew it, being destroyed piece by piece each and every day.
Our excitement now is watching the visiting wildlife to our patio and watching the grass grow or the snow fall. Failing health and strength is taking its toll. Everyday we see each other getting a little weaker, but don’t mention it. Too depressing a subject.
No more days of excitement, no more long trips, no more looking forward to the day.
All that remains is the question, ” why are we still here?”
I really think we should jump in the car in the spring ( if we are still around ) and head to the Yukon. If we don’t make it there or back, we will still enjoy getting away.
Oh Happy Day. Hope your New Year is fantastic. Live it to the fullest while you still can.
Last blog this year. Next year is still up in the air.
When you have regular doctor visits and everything is reasonably normal for 78 years, who would think that one bump in the road would lead to your demise?
For most of my life things have been average. Some good and some bad days. Minor aches and pains, normal illnesses that crop up during your life. All were faced, treated and life carried on. Growing up, getting married to one of the best men ever, having a great family and travelling.
Then it happened, the floor dropped out from under me and life changed forever. It went from a bump on the knee to surgery and now to a life sentence. An insignificant bump, overlooked for more than a year is killing me in a round about way.
The bump was removed by a surgeon, is still in the healing stage, which now makes me ask: why me? After the surgery I had frequent doctor visits which turned out to be very good. During the first post surgery we were told there was a chance that this type of cancer could possibly return and would appear in the lungs. No damn way was this going to happen, I’ve had enough thanks.
Five months after surgery followed by monthly x-rays and check ups, all appeared good.
Then it happened on the next visit. This time we were told it seems the cancer is now in the lungs. Talk about getting hit in the head with a foul ball, this was a death sentence to me. I was offered 3 choices, chemo, surgery or radiation. Chemo was out of the picture, I had seen all I ever want to from Bill’s experience. Surgery was not at the top of my list either, hell, I was still waiting for the surgery on the knee to recover. That left radiation, been there, done that but could force myself to do it again.
Now I have to consider my age and how I feel. There is only a 5 year survival rate for this cancer, Do I really want to spend a year of fighting it or just enjoy what time I have left??
Honestly let’s get real here. I am 78 and do not relish spending the next however many number of years fighting something that will win in the end anyway. I will have the radiation and hope for the best. I will also do the things I enjoy and die happy.
Many people are not so lucky. There are so many who die from tragic circumstances they have no control over, that my choice is minor.
We had one trip still in our minds, to see the Yukon and NWT and it is still my greatest wish. Maybe we will get this before my time is up. Who knows?? For now, just carry on.
I am so very happy that our off – spring and their families (partners) all showed up for a Christmas dinner this past Saturday. Our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren all showed up. Who could ever ask for more in life??
It’s a given that we are only here for an education. We learn the use of destruction by every conceivable method from something as simple as a fall to the mind blowing bombing.
The longer we live, the more often we question why. Death doesn’t scare me in the least. The peace and quiet will be appreciated. The only thoughts I have is the unknown as to what will knock me down next and finally do me in.
I have had a good life for the most part. A few, why me? days, but they are few compared to the rest.
I have the best husband I could ever have imagined. He puts up with my temper, bad days and the never ending questions. He still loves me and stays with me through the good and bad. Without him, life would be useless.
We have watched 5 babies grow up to be responsible, caring adults. We have been blessed with a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law that we are equally proud of. Also blessed with 8 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Now as time runs out I get the rest of the story. If I were alone I would have given up years ago, but with a husband like mine beside me, we carry on, together. Everything from simple colds to heart surgery, pneumonia which tries to kill, knee surgery and now cancer.
Neither of us really thought about it until it happened. Now our days seem to be overtaken by doctors and medical procedures. As I said we are together in this part of our lives more than ever before. We laugh during the good times and sob during the bad times. The problem is the worse seems to be way too more frequent now.
Appears each time we dare consider a trip away, something else happens to destroy those dreams. For instance the planned trip to the Yukon went down the drain way too fast. Now we are considering a move back to the city, closer to our doctors, hospitals and family. This seems to be more important at this point than any trip.
Now when we have time, our trip will be checking apartments, prices and movers. The worse will be fitting these things into whatever time we have between appointments.
Life never gets easier just more involved. Good time to cut back and toss everything of little importance. At least the wills are done.
When you think you have been through the worse life has to offer, shake your head because there is always more.
As I said at the start, death doesn’t scare me a bit, I will take the rest and free mind. This has already been a long enough trip. No funeral service, no gravestone just a quiet hot fire for me. I’m tired and now babbling. Ok that’s it.
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